Category: Dating and Relationships
I am interested to know how would you feel if you were confronted with the following situation: I met this guy back in July 2000. For me it was love at first sight and I did everything I could to get to talk to him and get his name and email address since we were both doing an internship and we were both going back home within a week. The next time I saw him was at a convention some 2 weeks later. During the last night of the convention, we got together and talked for many, many hours. I made my feelings clear to him and he responded positively. That same night I introduced him to another girl with whom he had a short chat. Now here is the funny part. He also exchanged emails with that girl and I recently found out that he had correspondence with her ever since that day in August of 2000. In the mean while, we began dating and had a relationship of 5 years. From August 2001 to December 2005 we lived together, travelled together, etc. All these years I took upon me the biggest share of the responsibility of this relationship. In other words, I kept it going while this guy was becoming more and more closed to himself and busy with his own interests shutting me off. In December 2005 I told this guy that unless he becomes an equal partner in this relationship, the relationship was ging to end. In March 2006 I found out that he had already found a new girlfriend. Surprise, surprise... it was the girl that I had introduced him to back in August 2000!!! Now here is another tricky part. When we had the conversation in December about our relationship and how it would end if he didn't do his share to keep it going like I did, he asked me: "how would I feel if we would break up and he would find a new girlfriend!" Now, why would someone ask that unless A. he was not interested in doing his equal part but rather interested in leave the relationship now that it became demanding, B. already was searching for someone to replace me, and C. had began seeing that other girl as a possible girlfriend. Am I right to feel that he used me? That he got into a relationship with me because it was offering him comfort and adventures (I had a much higher income than he did and financed the luxury life we had together) and once I demanded that he do his equal share (more emotionaly than financialy), he walked off and into the arms of someone else who would offer him what he wanted? Especially now that I came across the information that he already knew her and kept contact with her all these years we were together, I feel very hurt. How would YOU feel?
I'm sorry to hear about all that. That guy shouldn't have used you like, and yeah if a woman ever done that to me, I'd probably feel the same way. That only shows how dishonest people can be.
I am sorry to hear that to. I had a man did the same thing to me 8 years ago. I don't like dis honist people at all.
I think what ur feeling is legit, I'd be pretty pissed & hurt too
I agree. I'd be hurt, pissed off, and um, stuff. I would tell him off if It would do any good, which it wouldn't. I'm sorry that happened to you. that must have been rough.
been there done that, and no, you're not wrong for feeling that way. i hope you've learned from it, and know you'll find someone better.
Hi there.
It's terribly difficult to go through something like that, and I wish I had good words of wisdom and comfort for you. Just know that all of what you are feeling is okay. Sad, angry, the urge to whap him a good one, it's all natural. I'd be very hurt. Please allow yourself to feel pissed off and upset, it will do you good in the long run.
I hope that you can come to terms with this soon. It does sound as though he already had someone waiting in the wings. I felt that way with a relationship in my life. We grew apart, and then a month later, I had called him and there was another woman's voice on the answering machine. Good luck to you, and hang in there.
Hugs,
Meka
This just highligyts what I think is a huge problem in relationships, avoiding to make difficult decissions and talk about difficult things. He must've known quite a bit before the relationship ended he didn't want to be a party of it but tried to stay in it, either to keep the peace, to avoid the hurt or to make you happy (or, if you are less inclined to give him credit for convenience sake) or a bit of all of these.
There's nothing wrong, per say, with not being happy with your partner, it happens to most of us at some point. The wrong thing is to be practically broken up in your mind but not communicating that to your partner before you feel single and fall in love with someone elseor even just consider your options. That's the lesson really, but I hope you'll get to a point where you'll just wish him the best and move on, better for all involved, but you must go through the "pissed"cycle, the anger and the feeling of rejection first, it's perfectly normal, just learn to read the signs and bring up issues as soon as you feel they come up.
Good luck
-b
Thanks all for your postings. It's been four months now and if I think about this it still hurts like the first day I found out. I try to keep myself occupied and not think about it but it's hard because I went into that relationship expecting it to be the one that woukld last for a very long time and to be disillusioned like that is still very hard because of all that I had to invest in it to keep it going. When I needed his support when I became sick and had to have a very serious surgery and the complecations that followed, he was not there for me. I should have realized then that he was in this relationship for the gain and not for the mutual support. Anyway, thanks again for your support. Star
oh my god i had the same kind of thing happen to me but mine lasted for six years from 19 to 25 except mine was good the first three years then the verbal abuse started then the physical and i did everything i could to hold the relationship together he threw me out of the house once in december in nothing but shorts and a night shirt and i was to afraid to call my parents i just walked a mile in the cold and dark to there house and i never told them what happened he had me totally convinced i waould never be good enough to be with anyone else i went home from work one day and found my friends car there which was a normal thing she was going through a divorce and was having problems with who she was staying with and would come over when she needed a break from them well to make a long story short i opened the door and there they where naked on the couch togehter i even tried after that to hold the relationship together and i did for another six months when alol the people i worked with where trying to tell me how bad he was but i just couldn't see the light then one day i came home he had told me he was spending the weekend at his moms and i finally called his mom and found out he had not been there for a month or more then when he finally came home i asked him what was up and he would not tell me then two weeks later i was at home when i received a phone call he was at i hop with his best friends girl friend so on and on the fighting went and i finally left him and i didn't think i would ever find any one else i went out with several guys and through the majic of e harmony i found my darling shawn also known as yogi
Well, that's just goes to show the opposite. If you have no self respect and don't set limits your partner will lose respect for you too and treat you accordingly. It's sad really and what some guys and girls do is beyond my comprihension, frankly, but you must set the limits. When you feel something is wrong something probably is wrong. And one should never think one can never find anyone else or this is one's only chance. It's not true and, besides, one would be happier of alone than in an abusive relationship even if it were true.
I was stuck on the opposite end of the spectrum. I was dating a girl who was very much into me but I realized soon that I just didn't reciprocate, she's very nice and lovely and everything but sometimes it's just not enough. I, however, tried because it would make her happy and she totally ignored my indications that something was wrong. Instead of coming straight out and say it I just kind of kept putting it off and it just caused a lot of issues and ended up as a messy break up (no she did not catch me in bed with someone else or anything, physically I never cheated on her but I was definitely already attracted to someone else, way before things ended). It was obviously something I learnt from and I am less than proud of how I handled it but she also should've helped by picking up the signals and for us to sit down and have a serious talk, even if it's hurtful.
Bottomline, be honest people, believe in yourselves and don't let something you know it's wrong go on. Whether it's you or the other person, bring it out and find a solution even if it's not a happy one, sometimes people are just not meant to be and sometimes relationships just won't work. Don't give up at the first sign of trouble and definitely not when you know fundamentally you love each other and therefore things can be fixed but when one isn't in love and isn't interested you have no relationship and the sooner you realize that, the easier it will be to deal with it.
cheers
-B
Thanks boo boo and WB for your comments. Star
hi there,
it will get well as time goes by,and hope yu can move on and find someone who will be more of what you are looking for as a partner.
i've been there and done that so having friends to help out is a good thing.
if yu ever want to chat my msn address is in my profile.
hugs, green dragon slayer a.k.a. tony
Oooooh. I would feel used as well. That is just mean.
ouch, that's got to hurt, he obviously didn't give a damn about you, and only wanted you for what he could get.
Five years is quite an extensive amount of time, and he should have been honest with you from the get go.... and because he wasn't, he's not worth his salt!!!!!
good saying Jessica. I agree you have every right to feel used and neglected. You have the right to feel unwanted, to feel like you can't trust, however, don't give up. be strong, and one day, most likely when you least expect it, you will find someone that cares alot for you, love does exist, it's just very hard to find.
Lol. Thanks, that goes for me as well. Lol
HI there, well. You certainly do have a right to be hurt.
Sorry to here that. I would be very hurt, because it would be very painful if I loved a guy like that and to find out he was being very dishonest would probably be one of the worst things that could happen in my life.